clothes in the shower

-came to realize that half of the post deleted, so here is the final draft-

This week I have spent abundant time in my thoughts. Which is a good thing.  I seem to take time to process things that are going on.  I had the opportunity to spend this weekend almost completely in solitude.  I was excited to spend this weekend with my thoughts and knew I had some things to spend time talking with the Lord about.  As a student who is nearly 3/4 done with college, I have many thoughts, dreams, desires, hopes, and fears floating around in my head and heart. Should I go to grad school right after graduation (like literally 9 days after)?  Should I take time off and take a "Peace Corps"-esque international volunteer route?  Should I take a year and engage in an internship for a quarterly magazine for which I am not qualified and has very little to do with what I've spent my four years studying, but I know would make my heart sing?  Should I be a flight attendant for the next year or two and travel while I'm young?  These are all ventures that I have wanted to pursue for some time. But how do I know what to do?

If you know me, you know that I pile a lot onto my plate...and then some more.  I have enormous dreams and colossal goals.  My list of options and opportunities seems endless.  One of my greatest fears for myself is that I will allow myself to be limited whether by relationships, stagnation, discouragement, etc.  When I begin to feel closed in, I flee.  I know the Lord calls us to lives of freedom and abundance and I desire to experience that in it's fullest capacity.  I'm in a season of "wishing I'd double majored in _______" or "joined ______ organization" or "spent more time with ______" or "prioritized ______" and I'm okay with all of that.  I am not regretful of how I have spent my time thus far in college because I have taken countless risks and seized many opportunities.  But as aligns with my "do more" personality, I worry that I have not done enough to make myself the best version of myself possible.  Do I have enough tangible skills?  Do the organizations I've dedicated myself to set me up for future "success" (whatever that means)?  Am I maximizing my time and experiences in order to get me where I eventually want to be? Will the relationships I've built and cultivated pour over into the next stage of life?  Do those around me know how much I love them even if I'm not always there?  Have I shown love and grace to everyone I encounter?  I could go on, but I think you get the idea and probably have either related to these questions or have developed some of your own.

Earlier this week, my house had the opportunity and privilege to host all of the girls involved with Younglife leadership.  The gathering was originally supposed to take place at a church, but was moved to our house with about 7 minutes notice.  My room has been a wreck for the past week (or two, or three…) and as we frantically ran around the house throwing our mess behind curtains and in cabinets, I was left to “clean” my room as quickly as possible.  In actuality what happened was I threw all my clothes in my hamper and hid it in the shower while shoving everything else into dresser drawers and behind my closet curtain.  I felt the need to hide my mess and make myself presentable. 

Today, as I sat alone in my room, my safe place and haven, I was able to feel a deep, soulful rest that I have not experienced for some time.  This past year has been extremely difficult for me in many ways.  As with anyone, I have lost relationships, grown distant from people I loved, and have been knocked down many times.  I've made mistakes and handled situations poorly.  I've been selfish in relationships and put my desires before others.  My heart has been broken in 100 different ways and I have experienced deeper sadness that I thought possible. I've felt cheated and forgotten by the Lord. But today, I was able to look around my room and see how broken, crooked, messy parts can come together to make an unexpectedly beautiful whole.  I was able to sit back in my bed and look up at my gallery wall and see how each slanted and skewed frame created something greater and more beautiful than itself.  I was enlightened to the reality that most of these frames were found broken and forgotten on the shelves of thrift stores and took some time and some elbow grease, to be made “worthy” of display.  Just as I put time and effort and love into these frames and the art they hold, so the Lord pours His time and heart and soul into perfecting me and making me more of who He created me to be.  I was able to sit back and see the bigger picture and how broken things are made new and whole only through the grace and abundant love of the Lord.  I was able to see how the authenticity of my struggles with the Lord aligned with the visual representation of my room.  How in this season, I do not know the bigger picture. I do not know how God will use my current sufferings, but I am confident that these current struggles are nothing compared to the glory that the Lord will revel to me in His time (Romans 8:18).  And I am choosing to trust in His time.

I don’t want a picture perfect life.  I don’t want to throw my clothes in the shower and appear to have it all together.  I want my books crooked on my bookshelf and I want my curtains to be a little burnt on the bottom because my heater was up a little too high (don’t worry Mom, I fixed it).  I want a genuine and authentic life.  I want to go through the hard things with the Lord because I know through tough times there is growth and progress. I don’t want a safe and easy life.  I want others to know that I am broken and flawed and really messed up and that the only good in me is wholly because of Jesus Christ.  Because His love is my motivation to be better and to love better.  Only because of Him. Only.

It is incredibly easy to become overwhelmed with the future and all of it’s seemingly endless possibilities.  There’s plenty of fear that comes with thoughts of “making the wrong choice” or doing things in the “wrong” order.  But when I choose to glue my gaze to the Lord and choose to rest in His all-encompassing arms, my anxiety regarding the future melts away.  I truly trust that He’ll guide me where I need to go and that “all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord (Romans 8:28).  Recently, I haven’t known what to say to the Lord.  I didn’t know how to talk to Him about broken relationships and anxious feelings, but this week I chose to meditate on Romans 8:26 and not move past this passage until I was done marinating in it.  I wanted to fully soak in it’s truth: “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, out aching groans.  He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God.  That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good” (MSG).  The Spirit comes right along side me, helping me.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what to pray.  The Lord knows me far better than I know myself.  There is such peace and rest to be found in that truth.  I’m thankful.  Thankful that when I feel lost, confused, broken, betrayed, when people’s opinions of me change, that it’s okay because the Lord knows my heart, knows me better than I know myself, and that His opinions of me never change.  Thankful in every season, even the hard ones.  The Lord has me and holds me and loves me incredibly.

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed

Give me vision to see things like You do

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength

I will love You Lord my shield

I will love You Lord my rock forever

All my days I will love You God

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Forever all my days Hallelujah