it will all be okay.

Pursuits in 2017

#1. Everyone please go watch ‘Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things’

"It's easier to be mindless and consume. When it comes to the overwhelm, the easiest way to deal with that...is to turn it off."

#2. So, in an effort to “turn it off,” I’m gonna do a thing.  I've thought about it long and hard and I’m giving up social media for 2017.  I find myself sitting on my phone, constantly refreshing all while thinking, “Why am I sitting here spending my precious time this way?” 2017 is going to be one of my biggest years and I don’t want to miss it with my nose stuck in my phone.  My last semester living in my college house with eight of my best friends (😭), my last semester as an active member of my sorority, last semester leading Young Life College, last @jmumadithon, undergraduate graduation (!!!), and who knows what else: big girl job, new city, grad school, going abroad?! I don’t know! But I don’t want to be blind to it and I don’t want to miss anything.  I want to be teachable and moldable and authentic.  I want to limit unconscious comparison and blaze my own trail.  Our society puts so much emphasis and weight on social media that makes this seem so daunting, but it’s just all extra and unnecessary! We think we need these things and we’re told we need these things by society.  And honestly, social media is exhausting. And I'm tired. There’s so much life to live aside from social media and I’m excited to experience it fully again.  I like to read. I want to read again. I like to write. I want to write again. So for those who might not see this, I haven’t “fallen off the face of the earth,” I’m still here, still breathing, still experiencing - with open eyes, heart, and hands. Believing and trusting that this is gonna be the best year yet.
So, I guess email me?! And feel free to join! Even if just for a week or two! You're welcome here :) 

Oh, and I'm also giving up shopping for clothes, accessories, shoes, random "stuff."  And also getting rid of a lot of clothes that have accumulated.  Watching this documentary only confirmed what I have thought for a long time about excess!

“When you talk to people about not consuming, people think that you’re trying to take something away from them, but the truth of the matter is that what I think this movement is really about is questing after a life that’s good for ourselves and good for the people around us.”

‘When you recognize that this life is yours, and that it’s your one and only and when that ceases to be the esoteric bullshit, when that’s not hippie poetry anymore, when the pragmatism of that statement seeps directly in your bones, when you recognize, “this is it,” everything changes.

“Love people and use things, because the opposite never works.”

Jimmy Carter, Crisis of Confidence, July 15, 1979: “After listening to the American people I have been reminded again that all the legislation in the world can't fix what's wrong with America. So, I want to speak to you first tonight about a subject even more serious than energy or inflation. I want to talk to you right now about a fundamental threat to American democracy.

I do not mean our political and civil liberties. They will endure. And I do not refer to the outward strength of America, a nation that is at peace tonight everywhere in the world, with unmatched economic power and military might.

The threat is nearly invisible in ordinary ways. It is a crisis of confidence. It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul and spirit of our national will. We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the meaning of our own lives and in the loss of a unity of purpose for our nation.

The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America.

The confidence that we have always had as a people is not simply some romantic dream or a proverb in a dusty book that we read just on the Fourth of July.

It is the idea which founded our nation and has guided our development as a people. Confidence in the future has supported everything else -- public institutions and private enterprise, our own families, and the very Constitution of the United States. Confidence has defined our course and has served as a link between generations. We've always believed in something called progress. We've always had a faith that the days of our children would be better than our own.

Our people are losing that faith, not only in government itself but in the ability as citizens to serve as the ultimate rulers and shapers of our democracy. As a people we know our past and we are proud of it. Our progress has been part of the living history of America, even the world. We always believed that we were part of a great movement of humanity itself called democracy, involved in the search for freedom, and that belief has always strengthened us in our purpose. But just as we are losing our confidence in the future, we are also beginning to close the door on our past.

In a nation that was proud of hard work, strong families, close-knit communities, and our faith in God, too many of us now tend to worship self-indulgence and consumption. Human identity is no longer defined by what one does, but by what one owns. But we've discovered that owning things and consuming things does not satisfy our longing for meaning. We've learned that piling up material goods cannot fill the emptiness of lives which have no confidence or purpose.

The symptoms of this crisis of the American spirit are all around us. For the first time in the history of our country a majority of our people believe that the next five years will be worse than the past five years. Two-thirds of our people do not even vote. The productivity of American workers is actually dropping, and the willingness of Americans to save for the future has fallen below that of all other people in the Western world.

As you know, there is a growing disrespect for government and for churches and for schools, the news media, and other institutions. This is not a message of happiness or reassurance, but it is the truth and it is a warning.

These changes did not happen overnight. They've come upon us gradually over the last generation, years that were filled with shocks and tragedy.

We were sure that ours was a nation of the ballot, not the bullet, until the murders of John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. We were taught that our armies were always invincible and our causes were always just, only to suffer the agony of Vietnam. We respected the presidency as a place of honor until the shock of Watergate.

We remember when the phrase "sound as a dollar" was an expression of absolute dependability, until ten years of inflation began to shrink our dollar and our savings. We believed that our nation's resources were limitless until 1973, when we had to face a growing dependence on foreign oil.

These wounds are still very deep. They have never been healed. Looking for a way out of this crisis, our people have turned to the Federal government and found it isolated from the mainstream of our nation's life. Washington, D.C., has become an island. The gap between our citizens and our government has never been so wide. The people are looking for honest answers, not easy answers; clear leadership, not false claims and evasiveness and politics as usual.

What you see too often in Washington and elsewhere around the country is a system of government that seems incapable of action. You see a Congress twisted and pulled in every direction by hundreds of well-financed and powerful special interests. You see every extreme position defended to the last vote, almost to the last breath by one unyielding group or another. You often see a balanced and a fair approach that demands sacrifice, a little sacrifice from everyone, abandoned like an orphan without support and without friends.

Often you see paralysis and stagnation and drift. You don't like it, and neither do I. What can we do?

First of all, we must face the truth, and then we can change our course. We simply must have faith in each other, faith in our ability to govern ourselves, and faith in the future of this nation. Restoring that faith and that confidence to America is now the most important task we face. It is a true challenge of this generation of Americans.

One of the visitors to Camp David last week put it this way: "We've got to stop crying and start sweating, stop talking and start walking, stop cursing and start praying. The strength we need will not come from the White House, but from every house in America."

We know the strength of America. We are strong. We can regain our unity. We can regain our confidence. We are the heirs of generations who survived threats much more powerful and awesome than those that challenge us now. Our fathers and mothers were strong men and women who shaped a new society during the Great Depression, who fought world wars, and who carved out a new charter of peace for the world.

We ourselves are the same Americans who just ten years ago put a man on the Moon. We are the generation that dedicated our society to the pursuit of human rights and equality. And we are the generation that will win the war on the energy problem and in that process rebuild the unity and confidence of America.

We are at a turning point in our history. There are two paths to choose. One is a path I've warned about tonight, the path that leads to fragmentation and self-interest. Down that road lies a mistaken idea of freedom, the right to grasp for ourselves some advantage over others. That path would be one of constant conflict between narrow interests ending in chaos and immobility. It is a certain route to failure.

All the traditions of our past, all the lessons of our heritage, all the promises of our future point to another path, the path of common purpose and the restoration of American values. That path leads to true freedom for our nation and ourselves.” – Jimmy Carter, Crisis of Confidence, July 15, 1979


I have so much more to say and maybe will eventually, but it's 2 am, I'm tired, and there's ice cream in the freezer calling my name.

clothes in the shower

-came to realize that half of the post deleted, so here is the final draft-

This week I have spent abundant time in my thoughts. Which is a good thing.  I seem to take time to process things that are going on.  I had the opportunity to spend this weekend almost completely in solitude.  I was excited to spend this weekend with my thoughts and knew I had some things to spend time talking with the Lord about.  As a student who is nearly 3/4 done with college, I have many thoughts, dreams, desires, hopes, and fears floating around in my head and heart. Should I go to grad school right after graduation (like literally 9 days after)?  Should I take time off and take a "Peace Corps"-esque international volunteer route?  Should I take a year and engage in an internship for a quarterly magazine for which I am not qualified and has very little to do with what I've spent my four years studying, but I know would make my heart sing?  Should I be a flight attendant for the next year or two and travel while I'm young?  These are all ventures that I have wanted to pursue for some time. But how do I know what to do?

If you know me, you know that I pile a lot onto my plate...and then some more.  I have enormous dreams and colossal goals.  My list of options and opportunities seems endless.  One of my greatest fears for myself is that I will allow myself to be limited whether by relationships, stagnation, discouragement, etc.  When I begin to feel closed in, I flee.  I know the Lord calls us to lives of freedom and abundance and I desire to experience that in it's fullest capacity.  I'm in a season of "wishing I'd double majored in _______" or "joined ______ organization" or "spent more time with ______" or "prioritized ______" and I'm okay with all of that.  I am not regretful of how I have spent my time thus far in college because I have taken countless risks and seized many opportunities.  But as aligns with my "do more" personality, I worry that I have not done enough to make myself the best version of myself possible.  Do I have enough tangible skills?  Do the organizations I've dedicated myself to set me up for future "success" (whatever that means)?  Am I maximizing my time and experiences in order to get me where I eventually want to be? Will the relationships I've built and cultivated pour over into the next stage of life?  Do those around me know how much I love them even if I'm not always there?  Have I shown love and grace to everyone I encounter?  I could go on, but I think you get the idea and probably have either related to these questions or have developed some of your own.

Earlier this week, my house had the opportunity and privilege to host all of the girls involved with Younglife leadership.  The gathering was originally supposed to take place at a church, but was moved to our house with about 7 minutes notice.  My room has been a wreck for the past week (or two, or three…) and as we frantically ran around the house throwing our mess behind curtains and in cabinets, I was left to “clean” my room as quickly as possible.  In actuality what happened was I threw all my clothes in my hamper and hid it in the shower while shoving everything else into dresser drawers and behind my closet curtain.  I felt the need to hide my mess and make myself presentable. 

Today, as I sat alone in my room, my safe place and haven, I was able to feel a deep, soulful rest that I have not experienced for some time.  This past year has been extremely difficult for me in many ways.  As with anyone, I have lost relationships, grown distant from people I loved, and have been knocked down many times.  I've made mistakes and handled situations poorly.  I've been selfish in relationships and put my desires before others.  My heart has been broken in 100 different ways and I have experienced deeper sadness that I thought possible. I've felt cheated and forgotten by the Lord. But today, I was able to look around my room and see how broken, crooked, messy parts can come together to make an unexpectedly beautiful whole.  I was able to sit back in my bed and look up at my gallery wall and see how each slanted and skewed frame created something greater and more beautiful than itself.  I was enlightened to the reality that most of these frames were found broken and forgotten on the shelves of thrift stores and took some time and some elbow grease, to be made “worthy” of display.  Just as I put time and effort and love into these frames and the art they hold, so the Lord pours His time and heart and soul into perfecting me and making me more of who He created me to be.  I was able to sit back and see the bigger picture and how broken things are made new and whole only through the grace and abundant love of the Lord.  I was able to see how the authenticity of my struggles with the Lord aligned with the visual representation of my room.  How in this season, I do not know the bigger picture. I do not know how God will use my current sufferings, but I am confident that these current struggles are nothing compared to the glory that the Lord will revel to me in His time (Romans 8:18).  And I am choosing to trust in His time.

I don’t want a picture perfect life.  I don’t want to throw my clothes in the shower and appear to have it all together.  I want my books crooked on my bookshelf and I want my curtains to be a little burnt on the bottom because my heater was up a little too high (don’t worry Mom, I fixed it).  I want a genuine and authentic life.  I want to go through the hard things with the Lord because I know through tough times there is growth and progress. I don’t want a safe and easy life.  I want others to know that I am broken and flawed and really messed up and that the only good in me is wholly because of Jesus Christ.  Because His love is my motivation to be better and to love better.  Only because of Him. Only.

It is incredibly easy to become overwhelmed with the future and all of it’s seemingly endless possibilities.  There’s plenty of fear that comes with thoughts of “making the wrong choice” or doing things in the “wrong” order.  But when I choose to glue my gaze to the Lord and choose to rest in His all-encompassing arms, my anxiety regarding the future melts away.  I truly trust that He’ll guide me where I need to go and that “all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord (Romans 8:28).  Recently, I haven’t known what to say to the Lord.  I didn’t know how to talk to Him about broken relationships and anxious feelings, but this week I chose to meditate on Romans 8:26 and not move past this passage until I was done marinating in it.  I wanted to fully soak in it’s truth: “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, out aching groans.  He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God.  That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good” (MSG).  The Spirit comes right along side me, helping me.  It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what to pray.  The Lord knows me far better than I know myself.  There is such peace and rest to be found in that truth.  I’m thankful.  Thankful that when I feel lost, confused, broken, betrayed, when people’s opinions of me change, that it’s okay because the Lord knows my heart, knows me better than I know myself, and that His opinions of me never change.  Thankful in every season, even the hard ones.  The Lord has me and holds me and loves me incredibly.

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed

Give me vision to see things like You do

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom; You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength

I will love You Lord my shield

I will love You Lord my rock forever

All my days I will love You God

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Hallelujah our God reigns

Forever all my days Hallelujah

More Faith, Less Fear

Here I am back in Harrisonburg sitting on the floor entirely overwhelmed.  Surrounded by stacks and stacks of clothes and bags and bills all the random knick-knacks that don't really have a place and sneak into your suitcase when you leave home.  I've just gotten off the phone and have finished my frustrated tears and so here I sit.  In the midst of a mess.  And it's okay.  It's okay to not do everything all at once.  It's okay that my clothes don't get put away this very second.  It's okay that my bed doesn't get made or my errands get run.  It's okay.  Grace makes it okay.

Coming back from a break, especially long breaks like winter break or summer break, always throws me for a loop.  Unpacking my life once again, preparing for another marathon length sprint of a semester, emotionally assessing relationships, etc, exhausts me.  Sometimes I get ahead of myself and upon arriving back, if one little thing goes wrong I jump to all sorts of conclusions: "so THIS is how the semester is going to go," "if THIS is any indicator of how the next three months are going to be," "EVERYONE is disrespectful. EVERYONE is hurtful."

Taylor.  Goodness gracious just CHILL OUT.

Starting new comes with a lot of unknowns.  Even though I've done this "new semester" thing five times already, I am situated differently each time: relationally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Times like this make me feel like I'm teetering over the edge of a huge cliff, one that has dense haze below the ledge-as to not be able to see what lies below.  Translated practically, jumping feet first into a lot of unknown- will my relationships that didn't fare very well last semester be jumpstarted, will my ambitious workload be too much, will my lofty personal goals for this year be tangible due to everything else on my plate?  I find myself guilty of having more fear than faith.  I let fear win.  Fear tells me that those relationships are beyond repair.  I allow fear to tell me that I am not capable of thriving in my classes, in my extracurriculars, in how I manage my personal time.  I believe the lies that fear whispers to my weakened heart.

The reality is that there will always be fear.  There will always be doubts and feelings of insufficiency.  And I don't think the answer is to get rid of the fear.

I think the answer is having overwhelming faith in spite of the fear.
Allowing the fear to motivate and prompt and drive and inspire and push and stimulate.
But not letting the fear win.

Because the fear will never stop, but you have to choose to let the faith win.  You have to grind your heels in and commit to allowing your faith to sing more loudly than your fear.  Listen to the voice of faith.

It's okay to be afraid.  We're not asked or expected to be unabashed, fearless combatants who carelessly and recklessly move about in our lives.  But we are expected to have faith in spite of the fear.  Life will be more full because of this bravery; we can't let the fear win.

Sisters, we have got to stop with the man-hating

So often I'm scrolling through Facebook or Twitter and run across articles about all the things girls deserve in relationships in "5 easy steps" or "12 Signs She's the Type of Woman You Should Marry" and more often than not, I'm discouraged after reading them.  My opinion may not be the most popular one around, but it's important to see all perspectives, so here is a sliver of mine.

This is an actual subtitle in an article I read recently:
“If he doesn’t pursue you with the same fervor that The Lord has pursued you, don’t waste your time.”

1. Literally no one can pursue you with the same fervor as The Lord.  That’s the point-only the Lord can love and pursue you in that way. No human is possible of that because we are flawed.

2. We as girls, Christian girls, whatever kind of girl you are, are LITERALLY setting ourselves up for heartbreak and unattainable expectations.

Yes, you should be pursued lovingly and actively because you are beautiful, unique, caring, thoughtful, selfless, creative, spunky, intelligent, etc. etc. etc.

Your future husband can't be your Jesus

But you have to stop waiting for Super Man/Jesus in a guy.  He can never be that for you.  It is literally impossible. You are setting your future husband (and your heart) up for immediate failure if that’s your (unrealistic) expectation.  The Bible is clear that your HUSBAND (not a guy you’ve been on one coffee date with) is supposed to love you as Christ has loved the church.

I get it. I do. He should jump through hoops for you and should be willing to give you the world. But what if we think about the guy for just one second. The other 50% of the equation. He too has dreams and aspirations and goals and a purpose.  I can guarantee his only purpose in life is not just to be your husband.  "Husband" is merely a scratch on the surface of who he is and his purpose.  Let’s stop being so selfish and making this all about us girls.  We can not expect this perfect guy to come out of no where and be ready to grovel at our feet.  All the characteristics and expectations you have for this "perfect guy" are the essence of Jesus.  And in Jesus is the only place you will be fulfilled.  Two imperfect people coming together is marriage; two equally sinful, flawed people who can live in freedom and grace at the feet of Jesus.  Not this off-balance off-kilter “he must grovel at my feet after the first coffee date or he’s not worth my time” expectation that so many girls have these days.  Let’s give the guys a little grace, please.

I acknowledge and understand that it's easier said than done.

Girls, I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. I have not escaped unscathed.  I know that it’s the worst feeling to not be known or pursued or valued for the invaluable gem you truly are.  We also can’t internalize every unanswered text message or every dinner that doesn’t lead further.  Yes, it hurts our hearts for a moment or maybe a few days or however long it takes, but you can't be consumed by all the unanswered. It will ruin you. We have to learn and acknowledge that sometimes things just don't work out.  There's no "reason" and there's no flaw within yourself- it just wasn't meant to be.  And that's a hard realization to face.  I think girls forget that the other half of the equation has to do with the boy's dreams and goals and desires.  How selfish of us to think that it's about what we want.  The guys have equally as much of a say and their life is equally impacted by the decisions, feelings and choices.  

When we internalize, we put our worth and value into how a member of the opposite sex treats us, good or bad.  When a boy "loves us well" by taking us out to dinner and buying us flowers and instagramming a cute picture, we're on top of the world. But as soon as he doesn't respond to our texts immediately or doesn't act 100% interested in every aspect of our day, we're down in the dumps and try and figure out what went wrong.  It is so, so difficult to not view these situations as “what did I do wrong” or “what could I have done differently to make this all work out.”  As you experience more life, you being to realize that you do not have a say in most of what happens to you.  You can not force people to care.  You can’t force colleges to accept you.  You can’t keep people from dying, or moving away, or moving on.  You have very little real control over any external situations.  But what you do have control over is how you react.

Colossians 3:12 says, “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”

Tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

1 Peter 5:10 says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

The Lord promises that he will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 John 5:21 says, "Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts."

Anything: alcohol, selfishness, money, pride, even "good" things like a potential romantic relationship.

As women, we can not lay around lackadaisically waiting for some perfect man to come scoop us up off the floor we're sprawled out on.  We have to love ourselves first. Find our value in what The Lord has told us about who we are. We must be headstrong and live our independent, individual lives and maybe the Lord will put someone parallel to us to join us and share the journey with, but if not, we're not any less.  Nothing is more beautiful than a woman fully confident in who the Lord has created her to be and who chooses to trust in His perfect timing.

Sometimes I get caught up thinking about how much pressure I would feel if I were a man living in today’s day and age.  Reading article after article of girls tearing men down is so incredibly discouraging even to me.  I can’t imagine the pressure these men feel; always feeling like they have messed up-always feeling like the bad guy.  We must learn the difference between lovingly holding our brothers accountable and tearing them down because there is such a huge difference.  We need to give the boys more credit.  We must love and forgive. And the love and forgive again, and again, and again.

Remembering Easter

March 31. 2013 Kolkata, India

"Today at church there were rescued girls from Mahima Home who did a dance and there were immediately tears in my eyes as I was standing in the very last row, in the corner of the church watching them glorify their Rescuer.  The redemption.  The joy.  The providence.  I was surprised that I choked up so immediately and I sat down and thought about it. Easter.  The greatest celebration ever.  I'm seeing Christ's sacrifice in a whole new light.  The Holy Spirit has used this season in India to revel so much about the basics.  Added so much depth.  From the Lord's Supper, to the undeniable fact that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me. Hearing about Easter in a whole new light.  Realizing all the prophecy.  Realizing that all of history lead up to that one moment.  The moment where Love was defined. That is what brings me to tears."

I remember last Easter like it was last week.  I remember the strength and trust that those girls possessed in order to get up and dance in front of a packed church.  Girls that had been hurt beyond anything that I could ever imagine.  Used, abused, rejected, denied, forsaken, abandoned, unloved.  And all of that transformed into strength, dignity, courage, trust, and beauty from ashes.  That picture is what Easter is all about; the transformation of our lives into something beautiful solely because of Jesus' sacrifice.  Thankful for my season in India one year ago and eternally more thankful for my Savior who died for me and everyone one I know and love.

Finding the Source of Joy

2 Peter 1:3-9

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;  and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.  For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

I probably "shouldn't be doing this right now" considering it's the beginning of exam week, but here I am anyways.  As I've said before, college is a struggle for me.  Not just the school work or the adjustments, just in general.  I miss India and I miss my kids and I miss my roommates and I miss it being acceptable to be dirty all time.  I just miss a lot of things, but mostly, I think I've come to realize, is the joy.  I miss the glimpses of pure joy seen in the eyes of my slum children amidst their unfortunate circumstances.  I miss the wholesome joy my heart felt seeing the village women completely lose themselves in worship to their one true Savior.  I miss the joy experienced with my roommates as we went through life together while finding so many laughable moments due to cultural differences between our culture and the one in which we were completely submerged.  I miss running through the slum with 20+ of my 5 year old best friends.  I miss their connivery and belly laughs that resulted from their plots.  Granted, my time in India wasn't all joy.  There were buckets of tears shed, pounds of heartbreak, and many sleepless nights, but so. much. joy.

What I've come to realize is India wasn't the source of my joy.
My slum kids weren't the source of my joy.
The village ladies weren't the source of my joy.
My roommates weren't the source of my joy.
The Lord was the source of my joy.

And guess what, He's the same in India as He is here.
And He can give me the same joy that He gave me in India, here in Harrisonburg.
And He will.


So if that's what I get out of exam week, then that's beyond enough.