More Faith, Less Fear

Here I am back in Harrisonburg sitting on the floor entirely overwhelmed.  Surrounded by stacks and stacks of clothes and bags and bills all the random knick-knacks that don't really have a place and sneak into your suitcase when you leave home.  I've just gotten off the phone and have finished my frustrated tears and so here I sit.  In the midst of a mess.  And it's okay.  It's okay to not do everything all at once.  It's okay that my clothes don't get put away this very second.  It's okay that my bed doesn't get made or my errands get run.  It's okay.  Grace makes it okay.

Coming back from a break, especially long breaks like winter break or summer break, always throws me for a loop.  Unpacking my life once again, preparing for another marathon length sprint of a semester, emotionally assessing relationships, etc, exhausts me.  Sometimes I get ahead of myself and upon arriving back, if one little thing goes wrong I jump to all sorts of conclusions: "so THIS is how the semester is going to go," "if THIS is any indicator of how the next three months are going to be," "EVERYONE is disrespectful. EVERYONE is hurtful."

Taylor.  Goodness gracious just CHILL OUT.

Starting new comes with a lot of unknowns.  Even though I've done this "new semester" thing five times already, I am situated differently each time: relationally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Times like this make me feel like I'm teetering over the edge of a huge cliff, one that has dense haze below the ledge-as to not be able to see what lies below.  Translated practically, jumping feet first into a lot of unknown- will my relationships that didn't fare very well last semester be jumpstarted, will my ambitious workload be too much, will my lofty personal goals for this year be tangible due to everything else on my plate?  I find myself guilty of having more fear than faith.  I let fear win.  Fear tells me that those relationships are beyond repair.  I allow fear to tell me that I am not capable of thriving in my classes, in my extracurriculars, in how I manage my personal time.  I believe the lies that fear whispers to my weakened heart.

The reality is that there will always be fear.  There will always be doubts and feelings of insufficiency.  And I don't think the answer is to get rid of the fear.

I think the answer is having overwhelming faith in spite of the fear.
Allowing the fear to motivate and prompt and drive and inspire and push and stimulate.
But not letting the fear win.

Because the fear will never stop, but you have to choose to let the faith win.  You have to grind your heels in and commit to allowing your faith to sing more loudly than your fear.  Listen to the voice of faith.

It's okay to be afraid.  We're not asked or expected to be unabashed, fearless combatants who carelessly and recklessly move about in our lives.  But we are expected to have faith in spite of the fear.  Life will be more full because of this bravery; we can't let the fear win.

Sisters, we have got to stop with the man-hating

So often I'm scrolling through Facebook or Twitter and run across articles about all the things girls deserve in relationships in "5 easy steps" or "12 Signs She's the Type of Woman You Should Marry" and more often than not, I'm discouraged after reading them.  My opinion may not be the most popular one around, but it's important to see all perspectives, so here is a sliver of mine.

This is an actual subtitle in an article I read recently:
“If he doesn’t pursue you with the same fervor that The Lord has pursued you, don’t waste your time.”

1. Literally no one can pursue you with the same fervor as The Lord.  That’s the point-only the Lord can love and pursue you in that way. No human is possible of that because we are flawed.

2. We as girls, Christian girls, whatever kind of girl you are, are LITERALLY setting ourselves up for heartbreak and unattainable expectations.

Yes, you should be pursued lovingly and actively because you are beautiful, unique, caring, thoughtful, selfless, creative, spunky, intelligent, etc. etc. etc.

Your future husband can't be your Jesus

But you have to stop waiting for Super Man/Jesus in a guy.  He can never be that for you.  It is literally impossible. You are setting your future husband (and your heart) up for immediate failure if that’s your (unrealistic) expectation.  The Bible is clear that your HUSBAND (not a guy you’ve been on one coffee date with) is supposed to love you as Christ has loved the church.

I get it. I do. He should jump through hoops for you and should be willing to give you the world. But what if we think about the guy for just one second. The other 50% of the equation. He too has dreams and aspirations and goals and a purpose.  I can guarantee his only purpose in life is not just to be your husband.  "Husband" is merely a scratch on the surface of who he is and his purpose.  Let’s stop being so selfish and making this all about us girls.  We can not expect this perfect guy to come out of no where and be ready to grovel at our feet.  All the characteristics and expectations you have for this "perfect guy" are the essence of Jesus.  And in Jesus is the only place you will be fulfilled.  Two imperfect people coming together is marriage; two equally sinful, flawed people who can live in freedom and grace at the feet of Jesus.  Not this off-balance off-kilter “he must grovel at my feet after the first coffee date or he’s not worth my time” expectation that so many girls have these days.  Let’s give the guys a little grace, please.

I acknowledge and understand that it's easier said than done.

Girls, I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. I have not escaped unscathed.  I know that it’s the worst feeling to not be known or pursued or valued for the invaluable gem you truly are.  We also can’t internalize every unanswered text message or every dinner that doesn’t lead further.  Yes, it hurts our hearts for a moment or maybe a few days or however long it takes, but you can't be consumed by all the unanswered. It will ruin you. We have to learn and acknowledge that sometimes things just don't work out.  There's no "reason" and there's no flaw within yourself- it just wasn't meant to be.  And that's a hard realization to face.  I think girls forget that the other half of the equation has to do with the boy's dreams and goals and desires.  How selfish of us to think that it's about what we want.  The guys have equally as much of a say and their life is equally impacted by the decisions, feelings and choices.  

When we internalize, we put our worth and value into how a member of the opposite sex treats us, good or bad.  When a boy "loves us well" by taking us out to dinner and buying us flowers and instagramming a cute picture, we're on top of the world. But as soon as he doesn't respond to our texts immediately or doesn't act 100% interested in every aspect of our day, we're down in the dumps and try and figure out what went wrong.  It is so, so difficult to not view these situations as “what did I do wrong” or “what could I have done differently to make this all work out.”  As you experience more life, you being to realize that you do not have a say in most of what happens to you.  You can not force people to care.  You can’t force colleges to accept you.  You can’t keep people from dying, or moving away, or moving on.  You have very little real control over any external situations.  But what you do have control over is how you react.

Colossians 3:12 says, “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”

Tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

1 Peter 5:10 says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

The Lord promises that he will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 John 5:21 says, "Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts."

Anything: alcohol, selfishness, money, pride, even "good" things like a potential romantic relationship.

As women, we can not lay around lackadaisically waiting for some perfect man to come scoop us up off the floor we're sprawled out on.  We have to love ourselves first. Find our value in what The Lord has told us about who we are. We must be headstrong and live our independent, individual lives and maybe the Lord will put someone parallel to us to join us and share the journey with, but if not, we're not any less.  Nothing is more beautiful than a woman fully confident in who the Lord has created her to be and who chooses to trust in His perfect timing.

Sometimes I get caught up thinking about how much pressure I would feel if I were a man living in today’s day and age.  Reading article after article of girls tearing men down is so incredibly discouraging even to me.  I can’t imagine the pressure these men feel; always feeling like they have messed up-always feeling like the bad guy.  We must learn the difference between lovingly holding our brothers accountable and tearing them down because there is such a huge difference.  We need to give the boys more credit.  We must love and forgive. And the love and forgive again, and again, and again.

Remembering Easter

March 31. 2013 Kolkata, India

"Today at church there were rescued girls from Mahima Home who did a dance and there were immediately tears in my eyes as I was standing in the very last row, in the corner of the church watching them glorify their Rescuer.  The redemption.  The joy.  The providence.  I was surprised that I choked up so immediately and I sat down and thought about it. Easter.  The greatest celebration ever.  I'm seeing Christ's sacrifice in a whole new light.  The Holy Spirit has used this season in India to revel so much about the basics.  Added so much depth.  From the Lord's Supper, to the undeniable fact that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me. Hearing about Easter in a whole new light.  Realizing all the prophecy.  Realizing that all of history lead up to that one moment.  The moment where Love was defined. That is what brings me to tears."

I remember last Easter like it was last week.  I remember the strength and trust that those girls possessed in order to get up and dance in front of a packed church.  Girls that had been hurt beyond anything that I could ever imagine.  Used, abused, rejected, denied, forsaken, abandoned, unloved.  And all of that transformed into strength, dignity, courage, trust, and beauty from ashes.  That picture is what Easter is all about; the transformation of our lives into something beautiful solely because of Jesus' sacrifice.  Thankful for my season in India one year ago and eternally more thankful for my Savior who died for me and everyone one I know and love.

Finding the Source of Joy

2 Peter 1:3-9

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;  and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.  For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

I probably "shouldn't be doing this right now" considering it's the beginning of exam week, but here I am anyways.  As I've said before, college is a struggle for me.  Not just the school work or the adjustments, just in general.  I miss India and I miss my kids and I miss my roommates and I miss it being acceptable to be dirty all time.  I just miss a lot of things, but mostly, I think I've come to realize, is the joy.  I miss the glimpses of pure joy seen in the eyes of my slum children amidst their unfortunate circumstances.  I miss the wholesome joy my heart felt seeing the village women completely lose themselves in worship to their one true Savior.  I miss the joy experienced with my roommates as we went through life together while finding so many laughable moments due to cultural differences between our culture and the one in which we were completely submerged.  I miss running through the slum with 20+ of my 5 year old best friends.  I miss their connivery and belly laughs that resulted from their plots.  Granted, my time in India wasn't all joy.  There were buckets of tears shed, pounds of heartbreak, and many sleepless nights, but so. much. joy.

What I've come to realize is India wasn't the source of my joy.
My slum kids weren't the source of my joy.
The village ladies weren't the source of my joy.
My roommates weren't the source of my joy.
The Lord was the source of my joy.

And guess what, He's the same in India as He is here.
And He can give me the same joy that He gave me in India, here in Harrisonburg.
And He will.


So if that's what I get out of exam week, then that's beyond enough.

hindsight is 20/20

It's crazy how far 365 days can bring a person.  365 days ago, I walked down an aisle with a suitcase and a backpack.  I turned my back to everything I knew and stepped out on a limb.  A crazy, long, lonely limb that lead me across the world. Literally.

Knowing what I know now and being where I've been, it's hard to believe that it's only been a year since I embarked on my gap year.  A year since I left the boy I liked, my sisters, parents, comfort, and any plans that I thought I had for my life.  The journey has been long, winding, and challenging, but the most rewarding journey I could have imagined.  God's provision was woven very evidently through every step, and He planned every moment better than I ever could have planned even if I had years to prepare.

As I reflect back on my time in India, I have somewhat of a hard time remembering.  Life became so normal there and sometimes the whole experience just seems like a dream because of how radically different life is here in America.  I look at pictures of my sweet little babus (babies) and I almost feel like the whole thing is part of a picture book and that I'm not actually the sweaty girl with 20 kids hanging all over her, laughing and smiling.  Sometimes I feel like I've looked at the pictures so longingly so many times since returning that I've become somewhat numb to the fact that that girl was me.  That girl, literally covered in crazy children, rolling on the ground of the school house, laughing endlessly with my precious students, wiping snotty noses and holding dirty hands, that girl was me.  That girl WAS ME.  I try to remember what it's like to sit Indian style on the floor and have my kids sitting on every inch of me.  I try to remember what it's like to be ridiculously sweaty at 130 degrees in an oven of a school house and not even complain at all because I'm in a place that I love with people that I love so much, but more importantly, that God loves so much (okay maybe complained a little, but I mean comeeee on. 130 degrees.)  I try to remember being the minority.  To the stares.  To the bartering.  To the absolute filth.  And it's hard to remember.

What I do remember is the love.

I remember absolutely falling head over heels in love with every student, with every woman in TOL, with every face I saw.  I remember the feeling in my heart when I saw my babus for the first time, and the complete devastation I felt when I had to say goodbye.  I remember the burden I felt and still feel for all of them.  My heart is so full of love for every single one of them and it is so hard to be away.  Being away from what a person loves has got to be one of the greatest tests of faith.  I took this whole excursions to prove to myself that I could handle life overseas, as well as, serve and love.  I begged God to start a fire in my heart for these people maybe not knowing fully what that would entitle.  He definitely answered and the fire did not go away when I came back to America.

When people hear about my year they often reply with sometime like, "Wow, that's so brave of you," or "Wow, you have so much courage."  Honestly, getting on a plane and traveling half way around the world was one of the easiest things I've ever done.  I only remember one moment where I was about to leave the U.S. from JFK Airport and I was on the phone with my friend Ariel and I was just kind of like, " Well, guess there's no turning back now."  Coming to college, on the other hand, may be one of the hardest tasks God has ever places in my hands.

When I was in my senior year of high school, I could not have been more ready to go to college.  Upon actually leaving for college, my heart was breaking for India.  I had taken off a whole year and done within that year what I want to do for my whole life.  I felt like I was taking steps backwards and getting thrown back into a routine of "school I didn't need" to do what I want to do.  I know, I know, this thought process is totally flawed and completely selfish.  I'm incredibly blessed to be able to attend college in America and be able to have all the incredible benefits that most of us have as Americans.  A college degree will allow me to help more people more effectively in the long run.  I have to tell that to myself every day when I wake up, every time I have an 8 am Chem exam, every time I find myself not necessarily wanting to be at college.  Because in the end it's not about me and what I want. At all.  It's about God and His timing and His plans, for they are so much greater than my own.

A picture that was shown to me when I first considered going to India

A picture I took in the same place as the one above.

The countdown on my phone

Christmas in India

Start of a school day

here's to 19

I need to make this short and quick or it will be banished to my "drafts" folder forever as was the fate of so many predecessors.

Well, you've made it to 19 Taylor.  Some days I'm not sure how, but you're here none the less.
Let's look back over the past year.  This exact time last year you were with some of your closest friends celebrating legality by trying to find a dance club open on a Wednesday night, and you failed.  But it was still memorable nevertheless.  Since then you've:

• completed a whole childhood's worth of summer swim league
• spontaneously got celebratory piercings with a dear friend
• found an unexpected appreciation for country music
• spent too much money on froyo
• sent friends off to college not knowing how connections would weather
• met a kindred spirit in the most unexpected place
• spent too much time on a silly boy, but left the situation smiling and knowing that it was the best for the both (that's a first)
• swam in some big bodies of water
• didn't get a hair cut
• reunited with friends states away
• visited friends at school with anticipation of the next school year
• moved half-way around the world, alone, hoping to leave a little scratch on the world and shine Love and Peace in the darkest of places
• lost a life unexpectedly and without warning in the most gruesome of ways 
• learned about living with roommates and how equilibrium is important 
• grew in appreciation for a culture that my own native culture had taught me to disregard and view as violent and inferior
• read too many thought catalog articles
• filled up four journals of thoughts, dreams, fears, memories and aspirations
• cried countless tears over injustice that I had no idea would hit so close to home (USA & IND)
• learned to love strangers considered worthless by society despite language barrier and realize that love is the strongest language
• wiped more boogers and tears then I thought possible, squeezed more little hands, kissed more pairs of cheeks, and learned more from 100 little kiddos ages 3-13 than I could ever, ever have taught them in my role as "teacher"
• cared too much about how many "likes," followers, comments, "friends" etc.
• learned that ^ those things don't matter and that they don't define a person
• realized my dislike for the term "best friend" (explanation for another post)
• watched many of my friends lose a dear friend too soon and wish that I could heal every crack in their broken hearts
• came to understand that the reason that cliches are "cliche" is because there's (at least) an ounce of truth to them
• a whole bunch of random, once-in-a-life-time memories from India
• seised to disregard my parents and started to appreciate their love for me and for The Lord
• tried to surrender to the continual struggle to see the bigger picture and trust that God has my best interest at heart as He's promised.
• "Just because it's not happening now, doesn't mean that it won't"
• "No use crying over spilt milk."
• Realized the power of being intentional and pursing people and truly caring about them and their situation

Among other things, this is my rambling list of some of the major (and minor) things I've learned, processed, and grown through this past year.  Thanks for listening as I processed this past, craziest year of my life.  Here's to more and crazier.

SHOUT OUT TO MY ROOMIES

Day late, but......
the roomies have left South Asia! I repeat, they have left South Asia.
After two years of serving, loving, and learning they have started their trek home!  They each have a few stops along the way, but I know they can't believe that this chapter of their life has just finished.  I can't wait to hear about their adjustments back to America, convenience, driving, trees, spaciousness, hot showers etc.  Love them so much and so thankful for all they have poured into my life and how they have mentored me and lead me.  They were placed in my life right when I needed them most and took me under their loving wings.  They each have such bright futures once they get home: one with a teaching job and the other with a budding relationship ;)
So, Julie and Elisa-
Thank you so much for opening up your flat and your hearts to me.  Thank you for sharing the sacred food from your packages from home, letting me borrow your Buffs & dupattas, for always cooking me amazing food when I got tired of granola and carrots, listening to my crazy dreams and hopes for the future, for constantly trying to teach me new words and translating, for eating rajma on the floor, for letting me lay on your bed and talk for hours, for showing me a city that will always have a special place in my heart, for always being okay with hitting up McDonald's for a number 5, watching silly youtube videos with me, for showing me how to love those less fortunate, for holding my hand through some of the most challenging times of my life, for always letting me "glean" from ya and always having an encouraging word (run on sentence-hate on it).  Most of all, thank you for sharing your hearts with me.  I can't thank you enough for allowing me to do life with you two for the past few months; some of my most treasured memories took place with you two by my side.  Thank you for showing me what loving the Lord looks like.

Absolutely can not WAIT to see you two and for the group messages that are coming soon.  SO much love for you two in my heart. We've have such a special bond. Love you two foreverrrr!

love & henna,
tay