hindsight is 20/20

It's crazy how far 365 days can bring a person.  365 days ago, I walked down an aisle with a suitcase and a backpack.  I turned my back to everything I knew and stepped out on a limb.  A crazy, long, lonely limb that lead me across the world. Literally.

Knowing what I know now and being where I've been, it's hard to believe that it's only been a year since I embarked on my gap year.  A year since I left the boy I liked, my sisters, parents, comfort, and any plans that I thought I had for my life.  The journey has been long, winding, and challenging, but the most rewarding journey I could have imagined.  God's provision was woven very evidently through every step, and He planned every moment better than I ever could have planned even if I had years to prepare.

As I reflect back on my time in India, I have somewhat of a hard time remembering.  Life became so normal there and sometimes the whole experience just seems like a dream because of how radically different life is here in America.  I look at pictures of my sweet little babus (babies) and I almost feel like the whole thing is part of a picture book and that I'm not actually the sweaty girl with 20 kids hanging all over her, laughing and smiling.  Sometimes I feel like I've looked at the pictures so longingly so many times since returning that I've become somewhat numb to the fact that that girl was me.  That girl, literally covered in crazy children, rolling on the ground of the school house, laughing endlessly with my precious students, wiping snotty noses and holding dirty hands, that girl was me.  That girl WAS ME.  I try to remember what it's like to sit Indian style on the floor and have my kids sitting on every inch of me.  I try to remember what it's like to be ridiculously sweaty at 130 degrees in an oven of a school house and not even complain at all because I'm in a place that I love with people that I love so much, but more importantly, that God loves so much (okay maybe complained a little, but I mean comeeee on. 130 degrees.)  I try to remember being the minority.  To the stares.  To the bartering.  To the absolute filth.  And it's hard to remember.

What I do remember is the love.

I remember absolutely falling head over heels in love with every student, with every woman in TOL, with every face I saw.  I remember the feeling in my heart when I saw my babus for the first time, and the complete devastation I felt when I had to say goodbye.  I remember the burden I felt and still feel for all of them.  My heart is so full of love for every single one of them and it is so hard to be away.  Being away from what a person loves has got to be one of the greatest tests of faith.  I took this whole excursions to prove to myself that I could handle life overseas, as well as, serve and love.  I begged God to start a fire in my heart for these people maybe not knowing fully what that would entitle.  He definitely answered and the fire did not go away when I came back to America.

When people hear about my year they often reply with sometime like, "Wow, that's so brave of you," or "Wow, you have so much courage."  Honestly, getting on a plane and traveling half way around the world was one of the easiest things I've ever done.  I only remember one moment where I was about to leave the U.S. from JFK Airport and I was on the phone with my friend Ariel and I was just kind of like, " Well, guess there's no turning back now."  Coming to college, on the other hand, may be one of the hardest tasks God has ever places in my hands.

When I was in my senior year of high school, I could not have been more ready to go to college.  Upon actually leaving for college, my heart was breaking for India.  I had taken off a whole year and done within that year what I want to do for my whole life.  I felt like I was taking steps backwards and getting thrown back into a routine of "school I didn't need" to do what I want to do.  I know, I know, this thought process is totally flawed and completely selfish.  I'm incredibly blessed to be able to attend college in America and be able to have all the incredible benefits that most of us have as Americans.  A college degree will allow me to help more people more effectively in the long run.  I have to tell that to myself every day when I wake up, every time I have an 8 am Chem exam, every time I find myself not necessarily wanting to be at college.  Because in the end it's not about me and what I want. At all.  It's about God and His timing and His plans, for they are so much greater than my own.

A picture that was shown to me when I first considered going to India

A picture I took in the same place as the one above.

The countdown on my phone

Christmas in India

Start of a school day

here's to 19

I need to make this short and quick or it will be banished to my "drafts" folder forever as was the fate of so many predecessors.

Well, you've made it to 19 Taylor.  Some days I'm not sure how, but you're here none the less.
Let's look back over the past year.  This exact time last year you were with some of your closest friends celebrating legality by trying to find a dance club open on a Wednesday night, and you failed.  But it was still memorable nevertheless.  Since then you've:

• completed a whole childhood's worth of summer swim league
• spontaneously got celebratory piercings with a dear friend
• found an unexpected appreciation for country music
• spent too much money on froyo
• sent friends off to college not knowing how connections would weather
• met a kindred spirit in the most unexpected place
• spent too much time on a silly boy, but left the situation smiling and knowing that it was the best for the both (that's a first)
• swam in some big bodies of water
• didn't get a hair cut
• reunited with friends states away
• visited friends at school with anticipation of the next school year
• moved half-way around the world, alone, hoping to leave a little scratch on the world and shine Love and Peace in the darkest of places
• lost a life unexpectedly and without warning in the most gruesome of ways 
• learned about living with roommates and how equilibrium is important 
• grew in appreciation for a culture that my own native culture had taught me to disregard and view as violent and inferior
• read too many thought catalog articles
• filled up four journals of thoughts, dreams, fears, memories and aspirations
• cried countless tears over injustice that I had no idea would hit so close to home (USA & IND)
• learned to love strangers considered worthless by society despite language barrier and realize that love is the strongest language
• wiped more boogers and tears then I thought possible, squeezed more little hands, kissed more pairs of cheeks, and learned more from 100 little kiddos ages 3-13 than I could ever, ever have taught them in my role as "teacher"
• cared too much about how many "likes," followers, comments, "friends" etc.
• learned that ^ those things don't matter and that they don't define a person
• realized my dislike for the term "best friend" (explanation for another post)
• watched many of my friends lose a dear friend too soon and wish that I could heal every crack in their broken hearts
• came to understand that the reason that cliches are "cliche" is because there's (at least) an ounce of truth to them
• a whole bunch of random, once-in-a-life-time memories from India
• seised to disregard my parents and started to appreciate their love for me and for The Lord
• tried to surrender to the continual struggle to see the bigger picture and trust that God has my best interest at heart as He's promised.
• "Just because it's not happening now, doesn't mean that it won't"
• "No use crying over spilt milk."
• Realized the power of being intentional and pursing people and truly caring about them and their situation

Among other things, this is my rambling list of some of the major (and minor) things I've learned, processed, and grown through this past year.  Thanks for listening as I processed this past, craziest year of my life.  Here's to more and crazier.

SHOUT OUT TO MY ROOMIES

Day late, but......
the roomies have left South Asia! I repeat, they have left South Asia.
After two years of serving, loving, and learning they have started their trek home!  They each have a few stops along the way, but I know they can't believe that this chapter of their life has just finished.  I can't wait to hear about their adjustments back to America, convenience, driving, trees, spaciousness, hot showers etc.  Love them so much and so thankful for all they have poured into my life and how they have mentored me and lead me.  They were placed in my life right when I needed them most and took me under their loving wings.  They each have such bright futures once they get home: one with a teaching job and the other with a budding relationship ;)
So, Julie and Elisa-
Thank you so much for opening up your flat and your hearts to me.  Thank you for sharing the sacred food from your packages from home, letting me borrow your Buffs & dupattas, for always cooking me amazing food when I got tired of granola and carrots, listening to my crazy dreams and hopes for the future, for constantly trying to teach me new words and translating, for eating rajma on the floor, for letting me lay on your bed and talk for hours, for showing me a city that will always have a special place in my heart, for always being okay with hitting up McDonald's for a number 5, watching silly youtube videos with me, for showing me how to love those less fortunate, for holding my hand through some of the most challenging times of my life, for always letting me "glean" from ya and always having an encouraging word (run on sentence-hate on it).  Most of all, thank you for sharing your hearts with me.  I can't thank you enough for allowing me to do life with you two for the past few months; some of my most treasured memories took place with you two by my side.  Thank you for showing me what loving the Lord looks like.

Absolutely can not WAIT to see you two and for the group messages that are coming soon.  SO much love for you two in my heart. We've have such a special bond. Love you two foreverrrr!

love & henna,
tay

homelessness

     On the door of the cafe in which I work hangs a sign.  The sign reads "Help Wanted."  Nearly every day that I work, someone comes in and asks for an application.  Most are teenagers looking for a summer job.  Some are middle-aged women, some men applying for cooking positions, but today I was thrown off.  Today a man came in enthusiastically.  He had a untamed mane of hair and significant sun exposure and appeared to be in his late 30's to early 40's.  Immediately upon seeing him, my mind jumped the gun and assumed he was homeless.  You can just tell.  The hair and sun exposure were some of the signs which lead to my hasty assumption.  He also had a bike parked outside.  He mentioned the sign on the door and asked for an application.  He took the application to a table in the corner to fill out and commented that he had been looking for work over the past 8 months.  He continued to pepper me with questions such as "Do you get paid weekly or every other week?" and "How soon could I be hired?"  I was feeling a little uncomfortable because clearly he was interested and I have no say in any hiring.  I also knew that the sign was only on the door because we have a quick turnover with waitresses, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that.  He was in such high spirits. I answered the questions as vaguely as possible and went to talk to the owner who was working in the back.  The owner said that when hiring, he calls on Wednesdays.  I reported back to the man eagerly waiting at the cash register.  He excitedly asked, "Do you think I'll get it?!" I informed him of another place hiring down the road, just a hop, skip, and a jump away.  And then wished him good luck on his job hunt.

     He then came back to the counter and asked me about the color of my eyes. "Hazel? Just like mine."  And this is when I got freaked out.  Maybe it's because I watch 20/20 late at night with my mom and hear horror stories.  Maybe because I was a peer counselor in high school and learned all about homelessness and how sometimes mental instabilities can fuel the vicious cycle of homelessness and unemployment.  He proceeded to introduce using his first name and reached out to shake my hand.  I don't remember, but I think I said my first name.  He asked again about being called on Wednesday if he was hired and then left.  Then came the racing thoughts about how he knew my first name and how he could now find things about about me and stalk me or be waiting outside work when I got off etc.  Totally illegitimate.  On his application he had been convicted of a felony: "Annoying phone calls."  So that aided in my concern, but then I got to thinking. 

     In India I loved on, held, hugged, kissed the homeless.  I would talk to them, let them lead me around, play with their kids,  sit on the street with them, smile at them and laugh with them.  If this man was homeless (regardless, he was clearly in need,) then I should treat him the same way.  Treat him the way that Jesus treated the homeless.  Love them and love them fiercely.  Granted, I need to be careful and even in India, I didn't do those things with the men (cultural probs yada yada,) but thoughts turn to actions and if I think that I don't like someone or think that they're creepy, or think that they're ________ (fill in the blank,) then that's what my actions will show!

     I miss India and I miss the simplicity of loving.

He is and I am not.

I've sat down many times since I've been back in America and tried to write, but I was just left overwhelmed. So this post just remained in my mind as a jumbled collection of thoughts, emotions, frustrations, joys, struggles, etc.

So here I am- after prayer, contemplation, crying out to The Lord-trying to find the words to share with you.

I want to preface this with I am simply an 18 year old girl who strives to pursue The One True Lord with everything and fails daily, hourly.  My knowledge of Him is so limited, but while holding onto what I do know about Him and what I'm learning, I'm doing the best I can to understand what His Scriptures say and His desires, His will and His plans. I'm not an authority on the subject-just a girl trying to understand His love and trying to find my identity in Him.

Being back stateside isn't hard. It's easy. Living is so easy. If I need some macaroni and cheese, then I grab my purse complete with credit card, grab my car keys, get into my personal car, drive down paved streets with lines and rules and stop at street lights and for pedestrians (take that India!) to any of the 603 grocery stores in my city, and then I pull into a little compact car parking spot, walk through the aisles and aisles of food, find my macaroni among the 20 varieties, proceed to a self-checkout line, get in my car, drive home, put it in the microwave and enjoy.

I won't go into the process it takes for me to get my macaroni in India because they don't have macaroni! That's the point.

Living here is easy.  Life here isn't necessarily easy.  Life isn't easy anywhere.
But living here is easier.

Coming home brought many heartbreaks, tears, and frustrations .  Tears over the beautiful, God-fearing village women that I had to learn to love from a far, tears over the 100 slum children that I kissed, hugged, cuddled, carried, threw in the air, blew kisses to, cheek-squeezed, held hands with, drew with, played with, learned with,  grew with, loved with (yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition).  I had to leave them in the precious and perfect hands of Jesus.  And that was hard for me.  I wish that I could say that it was easy, but it wasn't.  Trusting the unseen is sometimes hard for me.  And at times when it is, I remind myself of the character of God.
He is transcendent.
He is unchangeable.
He is eternal.
He is omnipresent.
He is wise.
He is good.
He is loving.
He is merciful.
He is graceful.
He is patient.
He is holy.
He is righteous and just.
He is jealous.
He is perfect.
He is beautiful.
He is glory-filled.

He is all of those attributes and more. So much more.

And just reading over that list helps me to realize that He is all those things and I am not. And He is what can really changes those children's lives and I am not. And He loves them more than I can even imagine possible. And that's what they need most of all.  That's what we all need most of all.

I left with a new world view.  I left seeing things that I had never seen.  I left living and loving people in the poorest economic state I'd ever seen.  I left people so lost and so caught up in the grips of their lostness.  I left complacent Indian Christians.  I left Indian Christians with a fire for the Lord and a passion for their own people. I left a slum of 4,000 precious people made in the image of God.  I left a slum where families say no to their daughters having reputable jobs because they make more in one night in the red light district.  I left a slum where children are stolen and trafficked.  I left a city, a state, a country that needs the scales removed from their eyes.  I left people and places so near and dear to my heart.  And my heart does ache for them.  And for those like them that I have yet to meet.

The Lord is redirecting my same passions and healing my achey breaky heart little by little.  During the offering at church yesterday, an Indian musician was leading the worship.  He lead a song that he had composed in English and then confessed that he felt lead by the Spirit to sing a Hindi song.  He sang a song that we sang every week in my Indian church.  I knew every word.  Jesus knew how brightly my heart was smiling. And I praise Him for moments like that.  Small moments that are still so special and so beautiful.  

tata

Welp, here I am on my last night in India, tears streaming down my face.
I knew it'd be hard, but I haven't even said bye to the kids yet.
That'll happen in 12 hours.

I'm physically all ready. All packed. Clothes are picked out for tomorrow.

but I feel like I'm not ready to go yet.
There's so much left to be done here.

But the comforting thing is that it's all out of my control anyways.

God doesn't need me.  He allows me to be a part of His plan.  I'm so blessed by that.  So blessed that He allows me and wants me and calls me to be obedient.

I sometimes have a control issue.  I'm a fixer.  I like to fix things.  I like to make people happy; I like to help them when their sad.

But there are some things I can't fix.  Basically, all the eternal, important things.

And that's why this is a huge step in faith for me.
Coming was the easy part.  It's leaving the children I love so much that is going to tear my heart to shreds.  It's good that it's hard.  I truly love these kids so much.  I want to see them again and I need to trust the One who controls all time and works everything together for the good of those who love Him.

So please just pray for my heart.  Pray for the transition. And pray for those stinkin' children that have such a tight hold on my heartstrings.  

Psalm 135:13-18

"Your name, O Lord, endures forever,
Your fame, O Lord, throughout all generations.

For the Lord will judge His people,
And He will have compassion on His servants.

The idols of the nations are silver and gold,
The work of men's hands.
They have mouths, but they do not speak;
Eyes they have, but they do not see;
They have ears, but they do not hear;
Nor is there any breath in their mouths.
Those who make them are like them;
So is everyone who trust in them."