I've sat down many times since I've been back in America and tried to write, but I was just left overwhelmed. So this post just remained in my mind as a jumbled collection of thoughts, emotions, frustrations, joys, struggles, etc.
So here I am- after prayer, contemplation, crying out to The Lord-trying to find the words to share with you.
I want to preface this with I am simply an 18 year old girl who strives to pursue The One True Lord with everything and fails daily, hourly. My knowledge of Him is so limited, but while holding onto what I do know about Him and what I'm learning, I'm doing the best I can to understand what His Scriptures say and His desires, His will and His plans. I'm not an authority on the subject-just a girl trying to understand His love and trying to find my identity in Him.
Being back stateside isn't hard. It's easy. Living is so easy. If I need some macaroni and cheese, then I grab my purse complete with credit card, grab my car keys, get into my personal car, drive down paved streets with lines and rules and stop at street lights and for pedestrians (take that India!) to any of the 603 grocery stores in my city, and then I pull into a little compact car parking spot, walk through the aisles and aisles of food, find my macaroni among the 20 varieties, proceed to a self-checkout line, get in my car, drive home, put it in the microwave and enjoy.
I won't go into the process it takes for me to get my macaroni in India because they don't have macaroni! That's the point.
Living here is easy. Life here isn't necessarily easy. Life isn't easy anywhere.
But living here is easier.
Coming home brought many heartbreaks, tears, and frustrations . Tears over the beautiful, God-fearing village women that I had to learn to love from a far, tears over the 100 slum children that I kissed, hugged, cuddled, carried, threw in the air, blew kisses to, cheek-squeezed, held hands with, drew with, played with, learned with, grew with, loved with (yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition). I had to leave them in the precious and perfect hands of Jesus. And that was hard for me. I wish that I could say that it was easy, but it wasn't. Trusting the unseen is sometimes hard for me. And at times when it is, I remind myself of the character of God.
He is transcendent.
He is unchangeable.
He is eternal.
He is omnipresent.
He is wise.
He is good.
He is loving.
He is merciful.
He is graceful.
He is patient.
He is holy.
He is righteous and just.
He is jealous.
He is perfect.
He is beautiful.
He is glory-filled.
He is all of those attributes and more. So much more.
And just reading over that list helps me to realize that He is all those things and I am not. And He is what can really changes those children's lives and I am not. And He loves them more than I can even imagine possible. And that's what they need most of all. That's what we all need most of all.
I left with a new world view. I left seeing things that I had never seen. I left living and loving people in the poorest economic state I'd ever seen. I left people so lost and so caught up in the grips of their lostness. I left complacent Indian Christians. I left Indian Christians with a fire for the Lord and a passion for their own people. I left a slum of 4,000 precious people made in the image of God. I left a slum where families say no to their daughters having reputable jobs because they make more in one night in the red light district. I left a slum where children are stolen and trafficked. I left a city, a state, a country that needs the scales removed from their eyes. I left people and places so near and dear to my heart. And my heart does ache for them. And for those like them that I have yet to meet.
The Lord is redirecting my same passions and healing my achey breaky heart little by little. During the offering at church yesterday, an Indian musician was leading the worship. He lead a song that he had composed in English and then confessed that he felt lead by the Spirit to sing a Hindi song. He sang a song that we sang every week in my Indian church. I knew every word. Jesus knew how brightly my heart was smiling. And I praise Him for moments like that. Small moments that are still so special and so beautiful.
So here I am- after prayer, contemplation, crying out to The Lord-trying to find the words to share with you.
I want to preface this with I am simply an 18 year old girl who strives to pursue The One True Lord with everything and fails daily, hourly. My knowledge of Him is so limited, but while holding onto what I do know about Him and what I'm learning, I'm doing the best I can to understand what His Scriptures say and His desires, His will and His plans. I'm not an authority on the subject-just a girl trying to understand His love and trying to find my identity in Him.
Being back stateside isn't hard. It's easy. Living is so easy. If I need some macaroni and cheese, then I grab my purse complete with credit card, grab my car keys, get into my personal car, drive down paved streets with lines and rules and stop at street lights and for pedestrians (take that India!) to any of the 603 grocery stores in my city, and then I pull into a little compact car parking spot, walk through the aisles and aisles of food, find my macaroni among the 20 varieties, proceed to a self-checkout line, get in my car, drive home, put it in the microwave and enjoy.
I won't go into the process it takes for me to get my macaroni in India because they don't have macaroni! That's the point.
Living here is easy. Life here isn't necessarily easy. Life isn't easy anywhere.
But living here is easier.
Coming home brought many heartbreaks, tears, and frustrations . Tears over the beautiful, God-fearing village women that I had to learn to love from a far, tears over the 100 slum children that I kissed, hugged, cuddled, carried, threw in the air, blew kisses to, cheek-squeezed, held hands with, drew with, played with, learned with, grew with, loved with (yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition). I had to leave them in the precious and perfect hands of Jesus. And that was hard for me. I wish that I could say that it was easy, but it wasn't. Trusting the unseen is sometimes hard for me. And at times when it is, I remind myself of the character of God.
He is transcendent.
He is unchangeable.
He is eternal.
He is omnipresent.
He is wise.
He is good.
He is loving.
He is merciful.
He is graceful.
He is patient.
He is holy.
He is righteous and just.
He is jealous.
He is perfect.
He is beautiful.
He is glory-filled.
He is all of those attributes and more. So much more.
And just reading over that list helps me to realize that He is all those things and I am not. And He is what can really changes those children's lives and I am not. And He loves them more than I can even imagine possible. And that's what they need most of all. That's what we all need most of all.
I left with a new world view. I left seeing things that I had never seen. I left living and loving people in the poorest economic state I'd ever seen. I left people so lost and so caught up in the grips of their lostness. I left complacent Indian Christians. I left Indian Christians with a fire for the Lord and a passion for their own people. I left a slum of 4,000 precious people made in the image of God. I left a slum where families say no to their daughters having reputable jobs because they make more in one night in the red light district. I left a slum where children are stolen and trafficked. I left a city, a state, a country that needs the scales removed from their eyes. I left people and places so near and dear to my heart. And my heart does ache for them. And for those like them that I have yet to meet.
The Lord is redirecting my same passions and healing my achey breaky heart little by little. During the offering at church yesterday, an Indian musician was leading the worship. He lead a song that he had composed in English and then confessed that he felt lead by the Spirit to sing a Hindi song. He sang a song that we sang every week in my Indian church. I knew every word. Jesus knew how brightly my heart was smiling. And I praise Him for moments like that. Small moments that are still so special and so beautiful.
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