So often I'm scrolling through Facebook or Twitter and run across articles about all the things girls deserve in relationships in "5 easy steps" or "12 Signs She's the Type of Woman You Should Marry" and more often than not, I'm discouraged after reading them. My opinion may not be the most popular one around, but it's important to see all perspectives, so here is a sliver of mine.
This is an actual subtitle in an article I read recently:
“If he doesn’t pursue you with the same fervor that The Lord has pursued you, don’t waste your time.”
This is an actual subtitle in an article I read recently:
“If he doesn’t pursue you with the same fervor that The Lord has pursued you, don’t waste your time.”
1. Literally no one can pursue you with the same fervor as The Lord. That’s the point-only the Lord can love and pursue you in that way. No human is possible of that because we are flawed.
2. We as girls, Christian girls, whatever kind of girl you are, are LITERALLY setting ourselves up for heartbreak and unattainable expectations.
Yes, you should be pursued lovingly and actively because you are beautiful, unique, caring, thoughtful, selfless, creative, spunky, intelligent, etc. etc. etc.
Your future husband can't be your Jesus
Your future husband can't be your Jesus
But you have to stop waiting for Super Man/Jesus in a guy. He can never be that for you. It is literally impossible. You are setting your future husband (and your heart) up for immediate failure if that’s your (unrealistic) expectation. The Bible is clear that your HUSBAND (not a guy you’ve been on one coffee date with) is supposed to love you as Christ has loved the church.
I get it. I do. He should jump through hoops for you and should be willing to give you the world. But what if we think about the guy for just one second. The other 50% of the equation. He too has dreams and aspirations and goals and a purpose. I can guarantee his only purpose in life is not just to be your husband. "Husband" is merely a scratch on the surface of who he is and his purpose. Let’s stop being so selfish and making this all about us girls. We can not expect this perfect guy to come out of no where and be ready to grovel at our feet. All the characteristics and expectations you have for this "perfect guy" are the essence of Jesus. And in Jesus is the only place you will be fulfilled. Two imperfect people coming together is marriage; two equally sinful, flawed people who can live in freedom and grace at the feet of Jesus. Not this off-balance off-kilter “he must grovel at my feet after the first coffee date or he’s not worth my time” expectation that so many girls have these days. Let’s give the guys a little grace, please.
I acknowledge and understand that it's easier said than done.
I acknowledge and understand that it's easier said than done.
Girls, I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. I have not escaped unscathed. I know that it’s the worst feeling to not be known or pursued or valued for the invaluable gem you truly are. We also can’t internalize every unanswered text message or every dinner that doesn’t lead further. Yes, it hurts our hearts for a moment or maybe a few days or however long it takes, but you can't be consumed by all the unanswered. It will ruin you. We have to learn and acknowledge that sometimes things just don't work out. There's no "reason" and there's no flaw within yourself- it just wasn't meant to be. And that's a hard realization to face. I think girls forget that the other half of the equation has to do with the boy's dreams and goals and desires. How selfish of us to think that it's about what we want. The guys have equally as much of a say and their life is equally impacted by the decisions, feelings and choices.
When we internalize, we put our worth and value into how a member of the opposite sex treats us, good or bad. When a boy "loves us well" by taking us out to dinner and buying us flowers and instagramming a cute picture, we're on top of the world. But as soon as he doesn't respond to our texts immediately or doesn't act 100% interested in every aspect of our day, we're down in the dumps and try and figure out what went wrong. It is so, so difficult to not view these situations as “what did I do wrong” or “what could I have done differently to make this all work out.” As you experience more life, you being to realize that you do not have a say in most of what happens to you. You can not force people to care. You can’t force colleges to accept you. You can’t keep people from dying, or moving away, or moving on. You have very little real control over any external situations. But what you do have control over is how you react.
Colossians 3:12 says, “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”
Tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
1 Peter 5:10 says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
The Lord promises that he will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 John 5:21 says, "Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts."
Anything: alcohol, selfishness, money, pride, even "good" things like a potential romantic relationship.
1 John 5:21 says, "Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts."
Anything: alcohol, selfishness, money, pride, even "good" things like a potential romantic relationship.
As women, we can not lay around lackadaisically waiting for some perfect man to come scoop us up off the floor we're sprawled out on. We have to love ourselves first. Find our value in what The Lord has told us about who we are. We must be headstrong and live our independent, individual lives and maybe the Lord will put someone parallel to us to join us and share the journey with, but if not, we're not any less. Nothing is more beautiful than a woman fully confident in who the Lord has created her to be and who chooses to trust in His perfect timing.
Sometimes I get caught up thinking about how much pressure I would feel if I were a man living in today’s day and age. Reading article after article of girls tearing men down is so incredibly discouraging even to me. I can’t imagine the pressure these men feel; always feeling like they have messed up-always feeling like the bad guy. We must learn the difference between lovingly holding our brothers accountable and tearing them down because there is such a huge difference. We need to give the boys more credit. We must love and forgive. And the love and forgive again, and again, and again.
