tata

Welp, here I am on my last night in India, tears streaming down my face.
I knew it'd be hard, but I haven't even said bye to the kids yet.
That'll happen in 12 hours.

I'm physically all ready. All packed. Clothes are picked out for tomorrow.

but I feel like I'm not ready to go yet.
There's so much left to be done here.

But the comforting thing is that it's all out of my control anyways.

God doesn't need me.  He allows me to be a part of His plan.  I'm so blessed by that.  So blessed that He allows me and wants me and calls me to be obedient.

I sometimes have a control issue.  I'm a fixer.  I like to fix things.  I like to make people happy; I like to help them when their sad.

But there are some things I can't fix.  Basically, all the eternal, important things.

And that's why this is a huge step in faith for me.
Coming was the easy part.  It's leaving the children I love so much that is going to tear my heart to shreds.  It's good that it's hard.  I truly love these kids so much.  I want to see them again and I need to trust the One who controls all time and works everything together for the good of those who love Him.

So please just pray for my heart.  Pray for the transition. And pray for those stinkin' children that have such a tight hold on my heartstrings.  

Psalm 135:13-18

"Your name, O Lord, endures forever,
Your fame, O Lord, throughout all generations.

For the Lord will judge His people,
And He will have compassion on His servants.

The idols of the nations are silver and gold,
The work of men's hands.
They have mouths, but they do not speak;
Eyes they have, but they do not see;
They have ears, but they do not hear;
Nor is there any breath in their mouths.
Those who make them are like them;
So is everyone who trust in them."

beginning of the goodbyes

I'm going to start doing this thing where I blog while the emotions are still fresh.  So here we go.

The first round of "goodbyes" have been said.

Easter Sunday I said "see you later" to another Westerner living here who left to go study language.  She has been such a huge encouragement during my time here and her positive attitude and complete assurance and reliance in and on The Lord has given me an example to emulate. I am sure that I'll see here soon because I plan to return here and her son goes to university in state where my parents live.  Though tears were shed, I know that we'll be able to keep in touch through iMessage, Skype, Facebook, etc.

Today was different.  Today I said goodbye to people that I'm not sure I'll see again on this side of heaven.  Sweet, beautiful, God-fearing ladies who have captured my heart with their fire and passion for The Lord, but also their own people.  Every time I am in their presence, I'm completely over-flowing with joy, laughter, and confidence that The Lord is alive and well in this country I love.
Today we wrote love letters to God.  We were just going to have them write the love letters and keep them as reminders for themselves, but they wanted to share their letters.  Though we don't speak the same language, I could feel the presence of The Lord and their passion for Him in their voices.  As there voices shook with their words of pure adoration, my heart was overflowing.  When it came to be my turn to read, I was in tears.  I was so overwhelmed with His spirit, His love for me, and their passion for Him.  There's also something about reading out loud that can really raise emotions.  When you write someone a love letter, you tell them all the things about them that draw them to you and all that you're thankful for.  Here's my love letter to my Lord and Savior:

"Love Letter to God,
Oh my God, how majestic is Your Name in all the earth.
I praise You because You are always good.
I praise You because You love a sinful me.
I praise You because You love those who don't love You.
I praise You for Your sacrifice for sinful man.  The ultimate sacrifice.
I praise You for Your patience.  Your love.  Your mercy.
You ARE love.  You ARE joy.  You ARE faithfulness.
Thank You for never leaving me.  Never ever.
Thank You for giving me Your loving spirit. To guide me, to lead me, to help me know You more.
You are beautiful.  You are holy.  You are just.
You are right.  You are all-knowing.  You are ever-present.  You are gracious.
You are good.  You are worthy of ALL earthly and heavenly praise-forever.
You are more than I could have ever imagined.
You are orderly.  You are perfect in every way.  You are worthy.
You're loving towards all.  You desire for all to know You.  You humbled Yourself and died for those who could not be more unworthy.
You are beauty and love and grace in their truest essence.
You give us peace.
You control time.  You give and take away in Your time.  Your timing is perfect.
You comfort us when we do not understand Your plan.
Your peace surpasses all understanding and You give it to us freely.
You give us freedom.
Your freedom.
You carried the weight of the world on Your shoulders.
All for me."


Completely humbled. I can't think of any other way to say it.  Humbled by The Lord.  Humbled by His servants here that I know I will see again whether here on Earth or in heaven.  Before we left their house,  I was sitting on their bed, tears streaming down my face and I began to think about tears and what they mean.  For the first time, I didn't view tears as a sign of weakness, but an expression of love, deep, deep love.  Though I have to use a translator to talk to these ladies about anything more than "no more rice" or "thank you,"  I love them so much and they return that love.  I love them and their overflowing hearts.  I've never realized how much laughter and a passion for The Lord can connect people.  I have laughed with these ladies.  I have prayed with them.  I have learned with them.  I have loved with them.  I have cried with them and now I am leaving them.  Not so much leaving, but loving from a distance.  My heart is breaking, but it's a good kind.  I'm glad that the good bye was so difficult because it shows investment and love.  I'm eternally thankful for each one of these ladies and for their time.  Though we were teaching them, they have taught me so much more.  I will never forget sitting on the bed and having the didi that owns the house wrap her arms around me completely and cry with me, rubbing my back and reassuring me.  Simply put, my heart is so full of love for them.  I was able to smile amidst the tears because I know without a doubt that I will be with them again soon.
How thankful I am to have something like this love that makes saying goodbye so hard.


[I could write about them and what they mean to me forever, but thanks for sticking through this longer than normal, repetitive post.]